Gettin' flippin' real.

Yea, so I guess its time to start taking all my responsibilities seriously. Actually limiting my intake of crap food. Actually making myself eat all that healthy stuff. Don't get me wrong, I *like* that food, it's just that when you're as heavy as I am, you have to eat A LOT to get to your calorie goal. French fries are an easy shortcut to reaching the calorie goal, especially when you've already reached your other nutrition goals. Still, that's not very healthy. But, the more I lose, the less time I'll have to spend spooning peanut butter into my mouth at the end of the day.

I'm really good at bullshitting myself into thinking I'm behaving. There is no getting around the fact that I am a month behind on all of my personal goals - weight loss, law school applications, organizing my house, etc. Why is that? I would never, ever go back on a commitment to someone else. Sigh. Oh, well. I get my LSAT scores back tomorrow. I really hope they are a motivating influence. Sigh.

Personal Statements and the Procrastination That Scared Me Shitless.

Well, I'm finally getting serious about these personal statements. So, of course, that means there is some serious procrastination going on - the likes of which have not been seen since the days of 10 page papers on James Madison. This procrastination has not exactly inspired me to continue on. Instead, I've been reading advice for 0Ls and it is making me want to hide in a hidey hole so hidey no one will ever find me. (0L's are students who are going to law school, 1L's are first year law students, etc.)

I'm hearing about everything from videos about how law school is like high school, including rumors about everyone's sex lives to petty comments about the choice of briefcase and wardrobe (but we all know I won't have a problem with that), to stupid remarks about how law school is a useless, terrible choice unless you get into a Top School. I know the latter is just wrong. But still, way to play on my insecurities. I guess I should just take this as confirmation that I should stick with my previous top choice school. It is the best fit for me in terms of lifestyle, and frankly, I WILL be happy. I refuse to play the "too stressed to have a life/friends/relationships" game. Obviously I'll be busy, but it seems like some of these people use how stressed they are as a barometer for how cool they are. (For the record - SUPER cool.)

Breathe and release. Gotta concentrate on getting in first. Back to trying to be different than the 1.4 million other jerks writing this same freakin' paper.

How can someone so small piss me off so much?

I currently work as a nanny and at moments like these I wonder how in the hell humanity doesn't cease to exist. No wonder sex is so pleasurable, otherwise creatures of a higher intelligence would never procreate. People reassure me that my own will be easier to handle, but I'm going to guess that's a load.

Yay for the Weight Watchers!

Last Monday, I began Weight Watchers... again. I've never been very good about dieting before unless my meals were fully prescribed to me by someone else. Can't cheat if the rules are strict! But I've never been able to lose all my weight on those types of diets because (surprise!) I give up. This time around on WW comes after some pretty extreme (and unsuccessful) attempts at losing weight - body building, protein packed diets, cottage cheese and celery, etc. Go figure that a girl who can attribute the entirety of her ass to take-out Chinese didn't handle that well.

This week I was allowed 38 points a day. For those in the know, that's quite a bit. But, I'm young, I'm tall, I'm heavy and I have a job that keeps me on my feet most of the day. Still... that seemed like a lot. I would get to after dinner and still need to eat something like 10-18 points! This blew my mind. I wasn't changing my normal meals AT ALL. If anything, the cereal I purchased for the week was more caloric than what I usually eat. I'd have to go on a bit of a pasta binge or grab an ice cream (oh, boo hoo) to reach my goal by 10 pm. How in the world did I maintain such a heavy weight? I've even gained 10 lbs since January.

Yum.

Well, thanks to the tracking system at weightwatchers.com, I think I've figured it out. It's so much better than "food journaling" because tracking on their nifty little system has me all excited to put in my recipes, check off all the little ticks, and see my points used/alloted change. I've realized that I enjoy my splurges. I don't know how exactly I rationalized it to myself before, but I'd let my splurges get out of control. That's what a splurge is, right? Well, sure. And I maintain that that is still fine... once in awhile. I was splurging 3-5 times a week! Crazy! Now that I am tracking everything, I know I can't do that. More to the point, I can't rationalize it. May a deity bless the extra 35 points we WWer's get each week. I save it all for my one splurge. Plus, I found that after a week of eating so healthily, I wasn't inclined to splurge so hard.

This week, I've eaten out more than I normally do (which is saying something). So, with five meals eaten out, the state fair food, and a splurge-o-rama at an Asian buffet (I ate an octopus!), I lost 6.2 lbs! Woo. I didn't even care that that brings me down into a fewer points range. 36 points a day for the next ten pounds. I have 8.6 lbs left before I reach my first goal. Yay!

Saying that, I am excited for my Sunday. Chai latte with a good friend from junior high and chili with my boyfriend. Worth sacrificing the extra eggs this morning.

How many little bads equal one big bad?

There is a real art to the balance between not feeling sorry for yourself and giving yourself a break. I am not good at this. I've swung way too far in both directions before and neither is healthy.

You'll never hear me scoff at a "big bad." A big bad on television or in a video game is a main antagonist that is often behind all the smaller obstacles a protagonist must get through in order to reach and defeat the main bad guy of the storyline - the big bad. In life, I define a big bad as something undeniably and hugely negative. A major exam, a larger accident, etc. There are varying levels of bad in both of these cases. Big bads, bigger bads, and the biggest bad.

But, how many little bads does it to take to equal one big bad? It can take only one big bad to ruin a day, a week, or even a year. How many little things can go wrong before you can allow yourself to mourn a bad day the way you would if a big bad occurred? In the last week, I've had bad sleep most nights, my feelings hurt unintentionally, a stupid fight as a result, a fingernail mostly torn off, hit some road bumps in the law school process, a general lack of productivity and a flare up of the chronic discomfort I feel in my neck and shoulders. Still, it could be worse! Those little bads definitely do not equal to a big bad. On the other hand, I remember this week last year the little bads piled up so high I made several life-changing decisions - the kind that one would normally make after something a little more... big.

Maybe I just want to know when I can expect people to feel sorry for me. Selfish, no?

If anyone out there has any insights on how to strike that perfect balance, I (and those closest to me) would greatly appreciate any insight.

Or, how to clean without ripping off more of your fingernail. Owie!

Quarter Year Anniversary?

I love the 13th of the month lately. Jim and I began dating July 13th so we've been celebrating "monthiversaries." It's pretty cute. At the beginning, I really looked forward to increasing our month count so that the seriousness of our relationship would be reflected in its duration. Now, I'm just enjoying the time we have together. Who gives a damn if someone thinks we're too serious too soon? We're both super rational and (if I do say so myself) super smart and we got this all under control. Well, as much as you can.

In other news, I am trying to find some new and fun obsessions to replace my emotional eating and my hobby cooking. One of my favorite ways to keep myself occupied during my decompress time used to be watching TV and eating dinner... then popcorn... then ice cream. Now, I've started giving myself manicures and pedicures a lot during my TV time. This both keeps me occupied during the painting processed and immobilized for a good while after. I will not risk a smudge, not even for some fudge! (Har har.) At first I was worried about the price of all the accessories that goes along with it, but then I thought about how much money I'm saving by not ordering Chinese or eating fast food anymore... let's just say, I'll be in the black.

Today I am wearing Opi's Cozu-Melted in the Sun on my fingernails and Sally Hansen's Complete Salon Manicure in Navy Baby on my toes. Lookin' good.

Does anyone love a beautiful dress more than I?

Probably. But I'd like to meet them. Lately all I do is look at all my favorite designer websites and drool over the gorgeous dresses. It's like porn. Only instead of instant gratification, I think "Get into to law school, apply yourself, and you will be able to buy these suits and shoes and wonderful dresses." Oh, right, and support your future family, help the world... but come on! GORGEOUS!

Marylin Convertible Dress by Designer Monif C. Available at www.monifc.com along with many other majorly divalicious looks. This dress is amazing! It comes with a skirt and two 9-foot long straps that you can twist and tie any which way! At $195, it is going to take quite a bit of saving before I can get it. But, it fits sizes 8-24 and can literally become an infinite number of styles - totally worth the price! I really like the two-toned Marylins as well - different color skirts and tops.

This Breezy Morning dress is the epitome of the brunch dress. It comes from another one of my favorite designers, Yuliya Raquel. Her dresses are elegant and beautiful and her reviews are wonderful. I have yet to purchase a dress from her, but I can't wait until my casual lifestyle comes to a close and I can glam it up again. See all of her dresses at www.igigi.com.

This is another Yuliya Raquel available at igigi.com aptly named the Tres Charmant Dress. I love these colors. I love thinking about walking into a room in this dress knowing that I will be making a striking impression on everyone in it. I know that as a lawyer in this dress I will have the confidence to dominate any situation I find myself in. I will be a beautiful force to be reckoned with.

Every New Beginning

Anyone remember that (awesome) song "Closing Time" from the 90s by Semisonic? It was one of my favorite songs in my early youth and now I pretend to find it cheesy and ridiculous but secretly love it. I heard it again this morning and one line stuck out. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." I started to think about it and I have to say - I think they might be on to something. Philosophers of humanity you are, Semisonic. Suffice it to say I feel that I am at a transitional period in my life - something of a new beginning for sure. But it makes me wonder - where does the previous chapter of my life end? And, where did that chapter begin? It would be accurate to say that the last few years were not easy. They were full of painful truths faced, difficult lessons learnt and intense moments of self-discovery. I wonder how important my past is going to be in determining my future. I certainly hope my early past is not as influential in the upcoming years as it has been in the recent ones. While I do believe it is important to face your demons, acknowledge your hurts and the grievances done to you and how they have turned you into the person you are, it is also important to leave them where they belong and let yourself be free of them. This has been my biggest problem. I need to recognize the control I have over my own life, my own future and my own choices and let the past lie. This is the perfect time to do it. I am well on my way to finishing the application process for law school (Fall 2011!), I am slowly changing the bad habits that are a direct result of the feelings brought on by my reactions to past events that have hindered my progress in life (chronic disordered eating, lack of organization, etc), and I am in my first serious romantic relationship. These are all incredibly big steps that cannot be successful without a break from the past and an acceptance of myself as a strong, valuable woman who is in control of her own life.

I am a strong, valuable woman. I am in control of my life. I can handle the obstacles that come and will treat myself with the same dignity and respect that I give everyone else I love. This is gonna be awesome.